Symphony

Yesterday was what I call a symphony of chaos. A strategy in randomness. A whirlwind of disorder that landed with everything right side up. As I watched Robinson navigate the customs universe of Haiti it was something to behold. He knows his country, his people, and the system that runs it all. His connections are brilliant. As we sat in one place listening to the noise of so many negotiating people, he said to me: ‘I never need to do this’. The dear friend that is doing all the footwork for us is a very powerful and smart woman, but she has had to go all over the place getting our documents stamps and properly verified. I said to Robinson one time as she was walking away from us, she is really sweating. He said, she is really working hard! I knew in that moment that without her, there is no way we would get our trailers for days.  In the midst of this activity I purchased new mattresses for our orphan boys beds, their old ones are really worn out. Stuff here is terrible in quality, and the boys are a little rough. On the way to the house I asked Rob how we could get rid of the old ones and he said, someone will need them. I cringed on the inside. But then I remembered the woman I have noticed each day who spends hours sitting or sleeping on a concrete ledge on the street corner close to the Mission house. Sometimes she was naked, sometimes clothed, and I realized she would not even notice the condition of the mattress compared to what she has now. Rob said they have a song in Haiti, whatever you don’t need or want, someone else will. He went on to say it’s the same with people. If there is someone you don’t think you can use, someone else will. How out of sorts does our thinking get. We are a country that proclaims tolerance, and yet divisions abound. 70 churches here in St. Marc work together for a city wide evangelization one time a year, on so many levels this is profound. When I asked Robinson about the differences in the churches, he said we need to set those aside for the greater mission. How quickly we race to judgement on what divides us rather than entertain discussion and forward momentum on what unites us. The woman who is such close friends with Rob is a Seventh Day Adventist, but they way they get along with each other one would suppose they were brother and sister. Back to the symphony, as we tumbled through all the minor cords, all the confusion and chaos, something amazing began to emerge, out of all the twists and turns of the day, we were getting our trailers. The day they came off the ship they come into our hands. Someone recently challenged me on how God does all he does. I was reminded of a saying my Great grandpa used to repeat, 'a God comprehended is no God at all'. We received the trailers into our care after the dock was closed, all the offices were closed, and people were staying around to make our shipment release happen. It’s a miracle people. You may have wondered were the post was last night. Well, we never stopped working all night long. The symphony had a crescendo that landed with me and Robinson at the police station at midnight with them having confiscated the license plate of the Toyota over a parking issue on the street while we unloaded the larger trailer. I was out of my mind with disgust. When you have been in Haiti for ten years and witnessed the kind of parking violations I have that have lasted years, yes, I mean years, take for instance a broken down car parked in front of Rob’s house for years with dogs dying under it. I was ready to give them a piece of my mind. But grace prevailed and I waited for an hour in the Toyota while Rob worked with the police inside the station. I had given him $100 to pay them off, when he finally came out and told me what went down, I was ashamed of myself. His gracious and truthful demeanor along with telling them of the day and his work, ended up with him with his license plate back for free. As he was leaving he said to them all, I am Pastor Robinson Louis and I want to thank you for your good service in the town. Eyes bugged and arms flew up, and shame stormed through the room. They exclaimed to him he should have told them he was a pastor. He said there was no reason to do that, that he was human and was capable of mistakes. They were astounded by his response and told him they were sorry. I think this will be news in town today. It was humor laced with incredible grace. It was a reminder how God takes the chaos and confusion of our often sorry decisions and renders them into a stunning symphony of angelic proportions. As I stood in the darkness at around 12:45 am this morning at the new church property with the new trailer parked on it, I looked up at the star studded sky and couldn’t help but wonder at the accomplishment of the day in spite of everything that had gone wrong, much more had gone right. I won’t lie, I’m exhausted today, at the end of the busiest last day in Haiti ever, but it’s a good feeling. A couple days and we’ll all be fine. It’s been another great trip. Blessings from between St. Marc and home.  

Frozen

I am currently on a plane part way between Miami and Chicago. Our trip is quickly coming to a close. We finished out our last full day in Haiti well last night although I must admit that it turned out differently than I had planned. We all crawled out of our bug tents, got ready for the day, ate breakfast, cleaned up the mission house and got to the orphanage by 9:30. The kids had made sure to inform me that they wanted us to come early in the morning so we could have lots of time together. Everyone had known that it was birthday party day. It is something we've been doing for at least a couple of years now. Our best laid intentions of spending the day playing were vetoed by said party though. The whole place, children included were happily running around cleaning and cooking. You could feel the buzz of excitement vibrating throughout the entire household. Instead of the nice and calm day we had been expecting, we all quickly got sucked into the vortex of preparations for home, preparations for the party, unexpected and last minute tasks and all while trying to handle the idea of leaving. Dad, Lee and Pat spent a great deal of the day working hard to get the trailer off of the docks. Deloris and Mom were busy and hard at work organizing the storage room, taking inventory, passing out the rest of the goods we had brought in the suitcases, as well as tons of other things most people are unaware have to be done on these trips. Abigail and Kelly were rocking it out helping to cook all the food with the Haitian ladies for the party. Emma, Caeli and myself spent hours in a deathly hot kitchen, pouring over 12 giant banners with each of the kids names on them. Our extremely talented Caeli had drawn their names in beautiful lettering for the children to decorate and hang on the walls for their birthday party. It backfired a bit on us this year because they ended up begging us to decorate them because they wanted them to be perfect. So we stood, bent over a table with crayons and paints, drawing everything from flowers and frogs to planets and soccer balls all over these banners. Partway through the afternoon, I could feel tensions getting high. The pressure of getting everything done, spending time with the kids, getting the trailer, not having a translator around and creating a magical party for the children was getting to many if not all of us in different ways. However, everyone pulled together the frayed ends of our emotions and plowed through. Dad and Rob got the trailers off the docks and the house became an even bigger bustle of activity as many hands started bringing every kind of good imaginable and filling nooks and crannies all over the house. The ladies worked themselves to the bone to get all these important but extremely monotonous and tiring jobs finished up. Every table surface in the house was soon filled with bowls and platters of rice, beans, chicken, goat, noodles, plantains and many other things that Abigail and Kelly helped bring to fruition. The living room and kitchen were transformed into a Frozen winter wonderland/ Avengers superhero dream land  with everyone's beautiful names acting as a rainbow wallpaper affect in the background. It all fell into place. Our party started much later than planned but the smiles on these kids faces was worth every drop of sweat and every frustration felt throughout the day as they sat listening to Dad tell them why we do these birthday parties. Because we are celebrating the day God placed them on this earth and into our lives. To celebrate how special they are, how important they are and how loved they are. Let me tell you, if you've never been in a room full of children that everyone else has written off as hopeless causes, children who have suffered more in their short lives than most, children with all the odds stacked against them, and tell them the exact opposite of those things... it is an indescribable kind of joy and heartache. We sang, they blew out the candles on their cake, opened their gifts (dolls for the girls and remote control cars for the boys), we ate dinner, passed out Coca Cola bottles for everyone, took pictures with photo booth props, played pin the tail on the donkey, played an intensely wonderful game of 'balloon keep away' with 30 balloons filling the small room and ate cake. It was truly wonderful. Rob and dad had more work to do with the trailer after that even though it was getting late. Us girls all voted to stay at the orphanage even though we didn't know when they would finish and be back to take us to the mission house. I am really grateful that we did that. Those last few hours with the kids were precious. I spent most of it sitting on the floor of the kitchen playing clapping games and talking with the kids. I am not even close to fluent in the language but the kids and I have figured out a simplistic but effective way of communicating back and forth about most things that kids want to talk about. Last nights topic of conversation was all about not wanting us to go. Dina and Otelson gave me a whole list of people they would like for me to bring next time I come. They begged for us to stay another month, another week and finally just one more day. I tried to play along, tease back and smile all while holding my overwhelming emotions at bay. Vladimir fell asleep on my lap and our oldest girl, Liline, who is trying so hard to act and feel grown at the difficult age of 14, leaned curled against me crying for over an hour. I don't even begin to know how to explain this to anyone. I love these kids as much as I can imagine loving my own children someday. They are literally pleading with me not to leave them. Begging me. What do you say to them? I still haven't figured that out. Not sure I ever will. I don't know what God's plan is yet but I was reminded strongly last evening that He is not done with me in Haiti. I don't know why He has called me to this or allowed me to be here but as I went to kiss 13 year old Dina who was sitting on the stairs, goodbye, she wrapped her arm around me, pulling me close and whispered in my ear 'Krystle, please. Everyone else can go home to Michigan but please don't leave. Stay here with me.'. Ugh. I choked back my own sobs and kept them buried deep in my heart as each of them in turn clung to me. No words. We didn't leave until close to 1am. We got back to the mission house to pack, shower and be ready to leave at 4am. The most sleep any of us got before being up again was about 30 minutes. No one seemed to care in the longer scheme of things. Our travels thus far today have been smooth and without any unforeseen difficulties. Prayers for a successful and uneventful finish to home. Also, for a smooth transition to getting back home and jumping back into life. This is something I particularly struggle with. It is never easy for me to switch back and forth. My heart longs and aches for both and it always seems to be a losing battle. 

I don't write my posts to sound beautiful, to have perfect grammar, to have profound thoughts or anything else of the kind. They are written to be raw and straight from my heart and hopefully give the tiniest glimpse of what this journey looks and feels like for those who can't be there. I want to thank each of you for reading, supporting, encouraging and praying. You are a very important part to this ministry. Blessings to all from 30,000 feet and somewhere between both of my homes. 

Krystle 

Panic

Another day down. Today was church day which means morning came earlier than our already early mornings. I have decided to tell a truth in this post... for several reasons which I hope to pull into collective thoughts as I continue writing. I have felt that because I have grown up in a Christian home, because I have a personal relationship with Jesus and because I voluntarily go on these trips, that I should just adore Sunday's and going to church while here. Here is the truth though... it is the part of the trip I dread most and is only trumped by one other thing which is leaving. Now, before anyone freaks out, let me explain myself. It is not the act of going to church that I dislike. It is everything that goes with it and piles together, making it feel completely overwhelming. Lack of sleep followed by an early morning. Trying to apply make up that keeps dripping down your face with beads of sweat. Taming manes of frizzy and partially wet hair into something presentable. Stuffing swollen feet into dress shoes. Scarfing down granola bars and cups of coffee. Riding on the back of the Toyota in dress clothes trying to remain unscathed by the dust and dirt we are surrounded by. When you finally pull up to the church gate, you have to crawl over, under, and through scores of people and children, only to be led across the platform in front of the entire congregation to the benches they have recently cleared of people for us. The service starts with singing which is always enjoyable but just a few minutes in, there is so much body heat being produced that the feeling of suffocation becomes a reality. We have a fan... but you can be guaranteed that half of the team is not getting air at any given time. The culture and way of worship is beautiful and inspiring but at the same time, completely different from what most people would be accustomed to. You don't understand one word being said for the first two hours. Your one comfort is when mothers hand you their babies or little ones come up asking to be held... it gives me a momentary sense of purpose but the extra bodies only add to the feeling of death by lack of air. Then comes the moment we have all been waiting for... the one that has left the younger half of this crowd feeling nauseated and stressed out of our minds. We are asked to come onto the platform and 'introduce' ourselves which actually means they would like to hear something personal and meaningful. I talk often about how grateful I am, but when it comes to this situation, I am beyond grateful for a translator as amazing as Claudy who makes us sound good even as we stumble through our introductions. Skip ahead a few hours and I am once again using Claudy's talents to speak with one of my best friends here in Haiti. It's been a difficult year for both of us but he has so few resources to help him and I want to be there for him in whatever way I can. I asked him a question which I have been pondering myself for some time recently. 'What do you want out of life?'. His answer was simple, direct and honest. He knows what he wants. He knows how to get it. He is extremely bright with one of the best personalities a person can be in possession of and unending amounts of talent and potential. He has to take those steps towards what he wants out of this life. His struggles and pain are real. None of these little things we find ourselves complaining about. My heart broke as he poured out his heart to me, tears quietly slipping from his eyes and down his face as he described the horror that is currently his life. I told him he is more loved than he can possibly imagine and that this is just a chapter in his story. There were lots of hugs and tears and 'I love you's' passed around and I felt a piece of my heart slip back into place. He thanked me and told me how much I mean to him but he has no idea that I was given as much help this afternoon by him. My challenge for him was to attend church on Sunday's for the month of November. I told him that even if it's uncomfortable, even if he doesn't feel anything from God, even if the whole thing seems severely uncomfortable, just to show up and be there. See what God does from there. I laughed at myself afterwards because I gave the exact advice I needed to hear. It was a stressful morning getting ready but I was ready on time. I felt like death through part of the service but I got to hold some precious kids who needed me in that moment. I had made myself practically ill over speaking in front of a crowd but I did it... and I actually spoke pretty well as did the rest of the team. I heard a great and uplifting message from my father. As the service ended, I had streams of people approach me for greetings, hugs, kisses and pictures. And you know what? I looked decent enough in my photos. It was actually a pretty fantastic morning. God blessed me in a huge way just for going through the motions this morning exactly as I later told my dear friend would happen for him. I swear God has a killer sense of humor. It was a fantastic reminder for me today that sometimes, you just keep going. You don't have to understand how or why. You don't have to be happy or feel capable. Sometimes you just put one foot in front of the other and trust in the fact that God will lead the way. I have more to share about our day but it will have to wait for another blog, as this one is already much too long! Love and blessings to all who are following this amazing journey. 

Krystle 

Taming

Another day down. Today was church day which means morning came earlier than our already early mornings. I have decided to tell a truth in this post... for several reasons which I hope to pull into collective thoughts as I continue writing. I have felt that because I have grown up in a Christian home, because I have a personal relationship with Jesus and because I voluntarily go on these trips, that I should just adore Sunday's and going to church while here. Here is the truth though... it is the part of the trip I dread most and is only trumped by one other thing which is leaving. Now, before anyone freaks out, let me explain myself. It is not the act of going to church that I dislike. It is everything that goes with it and piles together, making it feel completely overwhelming. Lack of sleep followed by an early morning. Trying to apply make up that keeps dripping down your face with beads of sweat. Taming manes of frizzy and partially wet hair into something presentable. Stuffing swollen feet into dress shoes. Scarfing down granola bars and cups of coffee. Riding on the back of the Toyota in dress clothes trying to remain unscathed by the dust and dirt we are surrounded by. When you finally pull up to the church gate, you have to crawl over, under, and through scores of people and children, only to be led across the platform in front of the entire congregation to the benches they have recently cleared of people for us. The service starts with singing which is always enjoyable but just a few minutes in, there is so much body heat being produced that the feeling of suffocation becomes a reality. We have a fan... but you can be guaranteed that half of the team is not getting air at any given time. The culture and way of worship is beautiful and inspiring but at the same time, completely different from what most people would be accustomed to. You don't understand one word being said for the first two hours. Your one comfort is when mothers hand you their babies or little ones come up asking to be held... it gives me a momentary sense of purpose but the extra bodies only add to the feeling of death by lack of air. Then comes the moment we have all been waiting for... the one that has left the younger half of this crowd feeling nauseated and stressed out of our minds. We are asked to come onto the platform and 'introduce' ourselves which actually means they would like to hear something personal and meaningful. I talk often about how grateful I am, but when it comes to this situation, I am beyond grateful for a translator as amazing as Claudy who makes us sound good even as we stumble through our introductions. Skip ahead a few hours and I am once again using Claudy's talents to speak with one of my best friends here in Haiti. It's been a difficult year for both of us but he has so few resources to help him and I want to be there for him in whatever way I can. I asked him a question which I have been pondering myself for some time recently. 'What do you want out of life?'. His answer was simple, direct and honest. He knows what he wants. He knows how to get it. He is extremely bright with one of the best personalities a person can be in possession of and unending amounts of talent and potential. He has to take those steps towards what he wants out of this life. His struggles and pain are real. None of these little things we find ourselves complaining about. My heart broke as he poured out his heart to me, tears quietly slipping from his eyes and down his face as he described the horror that is currently his life. I told him he is more loved than he can possibly imagine and that this is just a chapter in his story. There were lots of hugs and tears and 'I love you's' passed around and I felt a piece of my heart slip back into place. He thanked me and told me how much I mean to him but he has no idea that I was given as much help this afternoon by him. My challenge for him was to attend church on Sunday's for the month of November. I told him that even if it's uncomfortable, even if he doesn't feel anything from God, even if the whole thing seems severely uncomfortable, just to show up and be there. See what God does from there. I laughed at myself afterwards because I gave the exact advice I needed to hear. It was a stressful morning getting ready but I was ready on time. I felt like death through part of the service but I got to hold some precious kids who needed me in that moment. I had made myself practically ill over speaking in front of a crowd but I did it... and I actually spoke pretty well as did the rest of the team. I heard a great and uplifting message from my father. As the service ended, I had streams of people approach me for greetings, hugs, kisses and pictures. And you know what? I looked decent enough in my photos. It was actually a pretty fantastic morning. God blessed me in a huge way just for going through the motions this morning exactly as I later told my dear friend would happen for him. I swear God has a killer sense of humor. It was a fantastic reminder for me today that sometimes, you just keep going. You don't have to understand how or why. You don't have to be happy or feel capable. Sometimes you just put one foot in front of the other and trust in the fact that God will lead the way. I have more to share about our day but it will have to wait for another blog, as this one is already much too long! Love and blessings to all who are following this amazing journey. 

Krystle 

Distant

Normally Sunday in Haiti after church is over I drop into a lower gear, slow down, and begin a general shift in the homeward direction. Not that we are going home yet, but settling in with the fact that the trip is quickly coming to a close. For some reason today was radically different. First off, here in Haiti the time changed and few knew it. We’re not connected to cell towers so our phones aren’t showing a time change. But it did never the less. When we arrived at the church it was the biggest Sunday morning crowd I have ever experienced. Halfway through the singing the borrowed sound system conked out. When I announced to the church that I had a new sound system in our shipment, they clapped and cheered with joy! One of the themes of this trip for me has been patience. Watching these people deal with all kinds of crazy stuff and never get edgy is just incredible to observe all over again. Many had to sit through the service this morning, not even able to hear what I had to say, and yet they sat there, attentive, relaxed, and content. I confessed to the people in my message this morning that my American blood runs cold and slow with patience. I could fill this post tonight with all the other things we managed to pull off today, but for me the most important moment came unexpectedly. I confess I am a pusher, and I find it hard to sit still. So my connection with our orphans has been much more distant than let’s say Beth, or Krystle. As I came though the house this afternoon, Vanessa caught my eye, she and I have connected more deeply this trip, I smiled at her then paused beside her to give her a quick side hug and continue on my mission, which now I don’t even remember because as I pulled her up and bent over to give her a kiss on the forehead she folded right into my side. Normally they push away from me on their own missions to play or fulfil some task they have been given, I stopped, feeling her boney little back touching my arm, I lifted my arm and began to massage her neck and then her back and felt her muscles relax. Haiti is such a hard land, so unforgiving, so rough, I could feel the Haitian clutch upon her. In that moment nothing else mattered, she needed to feel the salve of my love, not someone else’s, mine. This trip has been more relational for me than previous trips, heaven knows how much I love these people, but I have loved Robinson most of all, and dedicated my energy and time trying to follow the God vision he has, and in turn that I have, to bring the Gospel to these people. But in this serene moment, vision was not what Vanessa needed, she needed to feel a father’s love. The tenderness of her melting into my embrace I can still feel tonight, several hours later. We shouldn’t want the chapters of the books of our lives written about what we accomplished, what we acquired, or how famous we were, but what lives we touched in being God’s hand extended. In Haiti where its President has laid out the five problems the country has: corruption, corruption, corruption, corruption, corruption, we serve out heaping platters of love, love, love, love, and love. It could be argued that love alone cannot change a country or corruption, but tonight, as I sit here pondering the day, and a beautiful little soul named Vanessa, I’m confident that the love of God alone can actually change a nation. Our text from Psalm 33:13-22 actually lays out that fact quite clearly.  So we labor on in love today, steadfast love. Tomorrow promises to be a big day, lots on the agenda, including hopefully seeing access to our goods at the dock. But tonight that still remains in second place to the larger agenda of spreading love out in thick and unreasonable measures. We have so appreciated the comments and encouragement from home. We pray we finish well. Blessings always from St. Marc.

Curtain

As the curtain drops on day 6 of this trip, my mind feels a bit like jello. I studied pretty intently today between several meetings and trips around town. Robinson and I misunderstood a financial transaction between us early this morning which took us to the ship dock to sort out. Last night I began to feel like we wouldn’t see our trailers today, and tonight as I type away, they are still on the ship. We were down and checked in on the unloading process several times, and I never saw our rig or the trailers out on the dock. Our meeting this morning was about keeping our stuff safe while they clear customs, and there is one less day I have to worry about because tonight it is safely inside the ship. The grace of finding the important things to be grateful for when the hoped for plan does not come to fruition. I’m sitting at the dining room table in the kitchen of the mission house working on this post, Robinson is laying on the tile floor next to me drifting in and out of sleep. He is sleeping on a couple sheets and a thin quilt used as padding. He sleeps in front of the door that is the access to the house. If you’re going to get to us, you will need to clear him first. It always gets to me at certain moments, this giant of a man was once a discarded orphan boy. I had to talk straight to our orphan boys this trip, a couple of them have crossed into that age where every young person comes to, and I shared with them a couple details of his early years. It changed the tenor of the conversation. Not that they are being bad boys, they are just struggling with growing into their new ages. Robinson is a very gifted and discerning individual and is and inspiration to me every time I get the opportunity to be around him. He was up all night for the long night prayer service, he came in this morning early having already been to the dock to check on the ship, we turned around and went back down to get the paperwork started on our shipment and then plowed through our days activities and he never stopped. So now my 22 hours to get here is nothing compared to his 41 hours he has been awake taking care of his own church family, managing a big project at our new property, taking care of a team of ten Americans, and handling the details of getting his family back into town from the funeral of his wife’s grandma. Did I mention he is a busy guy. And yet he never lost his cool, he sweeps along effortlessly, gracefully, and lovingly among his culture. I would like to believe a bit of him is rubbing off on me. This morning I told him I was no longer concerned if I got to have the goods off the trailers before I left. I surrendered all the details up last night and was unwilling to miss the other poignant and needed moments of this trip. I am speaking from Psalm 33 in the morning. I’m going to speak on hope. In my message I make the point that all the free goods we have by way of clothing and shoes will likely be pretty much worn out in just a few months. The country is so harsh and hard on stuff. I didn’t even work excessively today but as I washed off in the shower tonight I could not help but notice the trial of dirty water headed to the drain. The stuff we do and bring is but momentary, what will bring peace and contentment for a lifetime? I Corinthians 13:13 reminds us that faith, hope, and love remain, the greatest is love. We do our best to bring all three. This is the biggest truth we bring, the greatest good we seed, and it stands in stark contrast to everything around us, in a culture hardened by years of aggressive poverty. I’m grateful for an orphan tonight, I’m grateful grace has erased his hardness, I’m grateful our lives have intersected. It’s a profound journey to be on. And I’m glad for all those connected with us on this incredible mission! Blessings from St. Marc!

Core

Good evening, from Saint Marc. Keeping up with the days is just not going to be a thing this trip around. Too busy to write as much as I'd like. I've been able to get a lot more time with the orphans than on some of our past team trips. Especially with our older kids as Robinson's children are with Naromie in Desdunes for her grandmothers funeral. Having a couple of days without the distractions that come with little ones has been really nice for our older kids. They are all growing and changing at a rapid pace. So goes life... though I am not here with them nearly as often as I would like, time does not stop or even slow down. People come and go, things live and die, and children grow up. Sometimes, the thought of all the things I am missing in their lives, tears at the very core of my heart. Very few people understand how much they mean to me. None of these things stop the ongoing march of time though. The patience these people possess astounds me. Day in and day out they perform the same monotonous tasks just to handle the basics of life such as eating, drinking, personal hygiene and sleeping. Outside of these things, there is little for them to do. I watch as they sit for hours, not grumbling or complaining or becoming anxious about things. I am jealous of it. And I realize that we only have a couple of options. We can kick and scream and cry but time will still be holding firmly to our hand, dragging us to the finish line whether we want to go or not. It is inevitable. That leaves us with the second option, being that we can take the moments as they come, ride out the storms, find joy and contentment where we can, acceptance as it is needed and most importantly, let God work His plan through our lives. If we do that, time is still there but we are walking together towards something better than the long and winding roads we are currently journeying. Just because I am writing this out, it does not mean I know how to do this part of life very gracefully. But, I have 8 of the best teachers in this department one could possibly hope for. Their struggles have been innumerable and are not yet finished. And yet, they somehow manage to fill that house with more light and joy than I ever thought was humanly possible. Growing they are, but they still embody the same beautiful souls I have known since they were tiny. God has plans for these kids, just like He has for each of us he has placed on this earth. 

As for other happenings, play time with the orphans is always a highlight for everyone. Games, toys and movies unending. Lee, Emma and I got a special opportunity that doesn't usually happen on team trips. The other 7 team members left for Desdunes while the three of us stayed behind to watch the kids. Emma and I immediately got drawn into a very intense and sweaty game of street hockey with two shoes as the goals. It was the two American girls against the boys and with all of the laughter that was ringing through the house, I'd say we provided them with quite the show! It ended when Emma spotted a very large spider which the boys were kind enough to beat to death. They then proceeded to chase her through the house with the corpse of said arachnid on the end of their hockey stick. We decorated every inch of concrete in the courtyard with chalk drawings, ate lots of snacks, colored pictures and just hung out and enjoyed being together. All of the girls are fantastic at making meal time happen but Emma has been my girl for four years now and we decided to tackle our favorite meal (that is me being sarcastic since this meal usually ends with us in tears on the balcony... ha!), ham, potatoes and corn. If you've never stood over a propane cook stove with a hose the spontaneously catches fire, sweat dripping, literally dripping from your face onto the pan below, frying 12 gelatinous masses of mystery 'ham' that leaves a film of grease over your whole body, you have not experienced true joy. As I stated before, this meal has never failed to bring us to tears at some point and time in the cooking process... and the fall trip of 2017 was no different. And yet, it is our favorite meal to make for reasons unknown. It might be Krystle and Emma's one true purpose on these trips... cooking the ham which happens to be the Haitians favorite food we bring. It was a successful day! 

Lots more games and fun today. Rob worked hard to arrange for a large amount of our students to come to his house to write thank you notes, gather updated info and have their picture taken to be sent to sponsors for this coming school year. It has been nice to do it in a smaller and less overwhelming version, especially for the kids. Everyone has been doing an amazing job with it but I must send a shoutout to Caeli who has been rocking it out in school department. Whenever a new child shows up, she is the first to jump up and help them, often times leaving her food sitting so she can help. She has taken beautiful pictures of each of them, working hard to make sure the children are happy with their photo and feel special. Hopefully, we will still be able to finish with the majority of them before leaving. Tonight is sleepover night. The orphans always ask to come spend the night at the mission house with us and this year we were able to make it happen. We gathered snacks, glow sticks, movies, blankets, 8 children and we piled everyone and everything into the Toyota. We ended the evening with a showing of Wonder Woman. Half an hour into the movie, 5 of the 8 were fast asleep. Abigail was sharing her lap with sweet Bigodson. Caeli made room for Otelson on her folding chair who fell asleep sitting up. Iftha was using Emma as a bed and I had Vanessa and Liline using my legs as pillows, their arms wrapped all around me. We were all sweating and sore from sitting on the concrete but couldn't bring ourselves to move and wake up our sleeping angels. When it was time, the oldest boys made their beds on the half balcony with Kelly and the four girls slept on the porch with the four of us girls. It was a beautiful and tangled mess of sheets, blankets and children everywhere. I can't sleep, so I am sitting in the dark surrounded by gentle breathing and what I pray are peaceful dreams. My heart is full tonight. Haiti is great and terrible all at once and it gives one this feeling of sad happiness. Happy to be here, happy to see God work but sad that things are this way and people can hurt so badly. However, tonight, I choose to be grateful. I am abundantly grateful for all of it. The great and the terrible all at once. Goodnight, from a little house in the middle of St. Marc, Haiti. 

Krystle

Directional

Today was one of those strange days for me. I was ready to move with all our goods from the trailers…except that the ship did not arrive. I would like to say I had a great back up plan. But the backup plan boils down to this, wait. Haiti has a way of conforming you to it’s way of life. If you fight it, you will be frustrated on so many fronts. Tonight, I sit here typing and trying to get my head right. Part of my problem is that for years I have worked to Americanize our trips. Our newest member Pat has reminded me of just how much I have pulled it off. There is a steep disconnect between what we experience here on the ground now and what these people live through every day. Right now, power is on in our half of the city, but we are one of the few houses on the street with all our lights on. There is a small freezer here in the mission house, when the power is on the first thing they do is rush to plug it in. If the power stays on long enough, the ice box will get cool enough to produce cold water. Nothing in it will ever freeze because the power never stays on for more than a couple hours, and then is out for days. It still only comes on at night in St. Marc. The house we stay in has tiled floors, wood trim around the doors, glass in the windows. It has flushing toilets, running water, and most of the conveniences of home. But while I sit here tying on my 15” speedy Macbook pro, 2000 people are across town in a long night prayer service begging God for food, for work, for a home, for the most basic of necessities. Today I was on lock down, apparently, I needed a fresh reconnect. As I sat at the orphanage watching the stream of children coming through for their school registration for next year, I noticed one of the mother’s clutching herself up high by her underarm. After I observed her for a couple of minutes I went over to her and asked her if she was in pain. She was. I asked our resident nurse Abigail and my wife Beth to check her out. It turns out she has a very large tumor under her arm. It’s location and size are alarming, and worse, she hasn’t been able to afford to see a doctor. She has two beautiful young children. Her husband has done a lot of carpentry work for us across the years. We sent her quickly off to the doctor with a $50-dollar bill. We haven’t heard anything yet tonight, and we might not. Haiti has a way of swallowing its own into anonymity. On the best day in Haiti life is stripped down to a very raw form of living. Our orphans are spending the night with us, it’s a rare treat to be away from the orphanage for a night, but in contrast to the rest of the children in Haiti tonight, for them there is never a respite. My ambitious claim for today is that I built a toy. What’s in a toy you may ask? A lot of humility, and a very happy child who is fascinated by the world of mechanics. Stripped of wise words and inspirational thoughts, with no tools in my hand, or the back of rig to stand on. With a few pieces of plastic I built something grander than I have for a while, a marble machine. No, it didn’t bring water to the masses, no it didn’t fill a church with the sound of tinkling cymbals, but it did make the eyes of a little boy dance as we pumped marbles through our little tower. I watched his eyes track the gears and wheels and screws. I watched him take in the path of gravity, the directional changes of the balls as the tubes sent the marbles first to the right and then back to the left. This kid is bright, he is our littlest orphan, he is 6 and goes to school Monday through Thursday from 8am to 5pm. He is writing in brilliant cursive! As I go through the checks and balances of the days’ objectives, of all the things I did today, and will perhaps through this whole trip, probably the hour spent on the floor with a six-year-old will count for more in eternity than anything else I will do. His eyes popping with wonder as he watched me build was my reminder that sometimes the greatest gift we give is the gift of time. I learned that on my very first trip into Haiti, today, in one smooth brush stroke, God sent me back there for a refresher course. The house is mostly quiet now, I am sitting here waiting for the tank to fill, we discovered tonight there must be a leak that has drained away a couple hundred of gallons of water. To add to the complexity of the day and late evening was the discovery that there was no water for the rest of the team to shower. All these things are meant to tear at our callouses, to reshape our perspective, to properly reinstate our purpose and understanding for why we are actually here. As of 11:00pm tonight the boat was not into the dock yet, so I’m not setting my hope on that for tomorrow, my Hope is in Him who sent me, to do His bidding among these people, it will all happen in His time. Of this I am sure. Time for some rest, and to prepare my Sunday morning message, blessings to all from St. Marc tonight!

Soul

In four simple words, I have missed Haiti. The last two days have been a beautiful reminder to me of how much my heart longs for this. And might I just add, sharing this trip with my three best friends is an indescribable blessing. That is also an understatement but the best I could come up with in my current state of delirious exhaustion. These three girls are unbelievably amazing and vary greatly in their different talents, personalities and gifting's but together make a perseverant and unstoppable trio whom I am honored to call my friends and sisters. Yesterday morning, our visit to the new church property was a highlight moment. You can feel God's presence at work already. Robinson immediately pointed out to me that not only had they hired men to work on the job site, but two women as well. And I'm not meaning light labor. These girls were carrying around rocks and mixing concrete like pros. It always makes me happy to see forward motion in our ministries provision of opportunities for women to care for themselves and their families. My eyes were immediately drawn to the three neighbor children across the way. I tossed lollipops across the large ditch that was dug between our properties and the kids went wild with excitement. We turned around only to discover 3 more children who had appeared seemingly from nowhere. And so it continued until our group of 3 had grown into more than 30. Caeli is of course the queen of games and activities and led the kids all over the property playing and running and dancing, not giving a second thought to how hot and tired she must have been. Abigail has a quiet and special presence that she offers freely and to anyone near her. The children who make it into her arms are wrapped in an understanding and love that only a person with the largest and most caring heart could possibly give. Emma walks around Haiti with a grace and fearlessness she has no idea she possesses. As soon as there is a need, no matter how small or inconsequential, she is there to make it happen followed with a smile, a hug and a whole lot of laughter. Watching these lovely ladies give all that they have without looking back to those kids was a beautiful sight indeed. A precious little boy around three years old, found his way into my arms and left an imprint on my heart that few have ever done. He was covered in dust and the red t-shirt that served as his outfit hung down around his ankles. As soon as I picked him up, he melted into my arms and laid his head down as though he had just been waiting for someone to give him a place to rest his weary, little soul. As I held him in the blistering heat with sweat literally dripping off of me, I took in my surroundings even more. It was gorgeous. The shrubbery looked green and luscious, climbing up the side of the mountain. But, there was no shade, there was only one house I could see from where I was at and then... nothing. Where did these little ones come from? Where do they rest when they are tired? Where do they go if they need help? Who takes care of them and loves them? Robinson announced that it was time to go and we started saying our goodbyes, my little friend still on my hip. I asked Rob if he was sure I couldn't take him home with me to which he replied, "It seems you have asked me this many times, especially in the last 5 years! I do not think the answer is different."....... I laughed but secretly mourned the fact that I knew he was right. I hugged and kissed this sweet child and went to set him down. He immediately locked his arms around my neck and clung to me with a fierceness that I could only admire from one so small. My heart broke, and I fought off tears as one of the older boys gently pried his tiny arms from around me. I smiled and waved and told him I loved him as I was the last person climbing onto the back of the Toyota. The children quickly dispersed as we started the long trek back to the main road. All except one, that is. My (yes, I did mean to refer to him as mine) precious boy started running after our vehicle as fast as his legs could take him, his long, red, t-shirt just short enough that he didn't trip. I thought that after the first hill, he would stop. But, oh no. This little one is a fighter and he proceeded to run for quarter of a mile with a determination I have rarely been witness to in this life. My heart broke. As we crested another hill and he stopped on the side of the road next to a small hut that I could only imagine was his home, I realized I didn't even know his name. What must a child feel like to be willing to go with a complete stranger whom they know nothing about? Literally, heart wrenching in my mind. My thoughts were consumed by this on our ride home and I was praying for him. Then I realized something. Maybe the best thing that could happen in this child's life is happening now. He has the second closest house to our church property. He and all of these other kids could be the future of CCC Haiti (see Facebook for a picture of some of them). God provided me with an astounding amount of peace in that moment. One of those rare times we are left questioning God's plans but He gives us a glimpse of the bigger picture. Tonight I am grateful beyond measure. I was planning on fitting more into this blog about all of the happenings on this grand adventure but it seems I will have to extend it into another blog if I am going to rest at all before the sun rises. Thank you for all of your prayers, support and encouragement. Much love from Haiti.

Krystle 

Resistant

Every time I come to Haiti it’s inevitable that folks ask if it’s better now? Having been coming here for 10 years, it’s a fair question. But it’s also such a loaded question to try to answer. Some aspects of things here have improved remarkably. Modes of transportation, specifically motorcycle taxi’s have increased at a rate I cannot even measure. Which means the general economy is up some as many are using the taxi’s. There seems to be more building going on which would also indicate some improvement. As I went over details at the property today our engineer expressed to me that he was building everything earthquake resistant. That caught my attention. The devastation of 2010 did apparently create some new sticking points for some. We stood by a church building not too far away from our church property and I asked the engineer what he thought of it, he said there were cracks in it from the earthquake, and nobody was taking care of it, and he didn’t think the building would be good for very much longer. I hadn’t even noticed the cracking. I didn’t think anything in St. Marc had suffered much damage, but apparently to the trained eye, it’s worse than previously thought. Enough so that he is taking measures to build even our fence walls in a way that will withstand those tremors. I was grateful to find this out. He is a really sharp man as I expressed in my blog yesterday. So, there are changes for the good. But as we drove to Desdunes today to deliver Rob’s family for a funeral Saturday, I was remiss to see that things elsewhere have actually depreciated. A positive is that they are getting good water supplies to the rice fields from the government. But passing down the dusty streets of Desdunes we navigated around so many piles of trash. The straw and mud homes are telling the testing of time and are not holding up. One we passed reminded me of the ‘Leaning Tower of Peza’. I’m not sure that a hefty wind and rain storm won’t finish it off. There were so many building projects unfinished with trees 5’ and 6’ tall growing up in the foundations. So many crushed dreams and vanquished hope’s. A few is one thing, to see so many lining the streets is heart rending. But we passed out candy to the children, we started with two, and told them to go get their friends, they came in droves, and they didn’t come in costumes, quite the opposite, they came with not much on at all. One naked boy approached and I went toward him with a bag of candy and coloring page, before I could get to him he turned and ran in terror. I felt bad because so many try to come back for second’s concealing in what sparse clothing they do have on what they already have received in their little gift pack, this little naked one couldn’t hide a thing, and went away with nothing. As we drove to another location in town we came through an intersection and coming down the street from my left was a crowd of children in a storm of dust from their pounding feet trying to keep up with us. As we pulled to a stop they came bounding up to us with expectant faces. I like to believe we sowed fresh hope into 250 children tonight. I’ve read what one pin drop of hope can do, and what it can grow into, I like to think we seeded at least a pin drop of unexpected hope into these children today. There are innumerable broken things in this country, and perhaps some things will never be fixed. Even as we drove to Desdunes today the driver finished his bottled drink, rolled down the window and pitched it out… but then again, I’ve seen that happen in the States, if it weren’t for bottle deposits, it would likely be worse. Humanity is kind of the same everywhere, just some places have better checks and balances. Of this I am confident, with each hug, with each touch, with each word of affirmation, change is coming. As we educate, love unconditionally, and give the hope of God to all, change hinges on these things. No amount of money can heal a broken heart. I believe only the loving heart can bring healing to the broken heart. The love of Christ constrains me to these people, as it does our wonderful team. Our newest recruit Pat is doing well, every time I ask how she is doing her answer is ‘I’m good’. Tomorrow will be halfway through our journey here; the time is passing faster here every trip I take now. At year ten, my veteran instincts must be taking over and time’s train seems to increase speed between stops. Goodnight to all and blessings from St. Marc.

Recognized

This was written 3 days ago: 

I don't usually write blogs on a trip that both my father and I go on. Honestly, I just feel inadequate in my writing skills compared to him. I have felt a need to write though, and it seems to be overtaking my silly fears. Traveling yesterday couldn't have gone smoother as far as airports and international travels go. It has to be in my top 5 for easiest trips into country which is something I am extremely grateful for. For reasons that make no sense, I have been struggling getting ready for this trip. And easy travel only gave my brain more time to lead me down twisted pathways and shadowed trails in my thoughts. I referred to some of these things in my previous blog. It is difficult to put into words the things running through my head. Basically, I spent 22 travel hours stressing about arriving to my destination. Mostly stressing about my place on this trip, my place with this team, my place with these people whom I love so dearly. A lot has changed in the past year for me, and I feel different. Not in a bad way necessarily, just different. And within that, I feel like I may not be what everyone needs or wants. And that scares me. Why? Because what we want most in life as human beings is to be loved. To be recognized and applauded for being uniquely us while simultaneously being accepted into a group. Whether that group is a random team of people headed to a foreign country, a group of friends, a church, an orphanage of children, or even your own family; that has been a longing of my heart for a long time. I've gotten pretty good at fitting into molds shaped by other people. Lately, however, that is something I've been trying to avoid doing. Because I am wasting my time trying to fit into the molds people are making for me instead of the one God has placed before me. The one with my name on it. The one that my heart and dreams and hopes fit into. I think that this specific thing is often what leaves one feeling lonely even when surrounded by people. How can you feel loved and understood when you're constantly trying to be someone else? Of course, you have to take the steps towards being okay to be exactly what God has made you to be. And there in lies my problem. After 3 planes, 4 airports, one very long and dusty bus ride, very little sleep and many other adventures along the way, our very large school bus pulled up to a little house, shrouded in darkness. Emma and I hopped off the bus, avoiding the sewer that runs in front of the orphanage. There was no sound as we swung the large, metal gate open and made our way across the courtyard. And then there was an eruption of giggles from inside the door to the house and I was rushed to by 11 of the most amazing kids I have ever known. Hugs, kisses, kids calling my name telling me how much they love me, how happy they are to see me, how badly they have missed me. That was all it took for me. Their love is so pure and innocent. It exudes from their very beings and shines through their bright, little eyes. How can I not know that the love and adoration they feel for me is real? I don't see these things in myself, but they most certainly do. And unbeknownst to them, they wiped out any fear I may have had to be on this trip in less than a minute. For a moment, I understood and felt very clearly what they see in me. And I realized, all the things we often hate about ourselves, are the very things that people 

love most about us. This doesn't mean we should ever quit trying to better ourselves. But maybe we should quit trying to be something God didn't create us to be. Haiti has a way of stripping away the barriers we put up, the facades we put on, the many costumes we don. It may feel uncomfortable at first but it is something I am looking forward to this week. God has a plan for each person who is here this week, a specific reason we are here and serving as best we can. I am up for the challenge that He has placed before me. I am grateful to have been called. Go forth into the next 9 days, I will. Thank you to all of those back home for your prayers and support. Much love to all from my little balcony that happens to be my home away from home!

Krystle 

Engineer

The maze of another day has come to a close. We started out our day with a visit to the new property, and it is amazing! Robinson has been sending me a few pictures of the progress, and while they say a picture is worth a thousand words, being here and seeing it first hand is just stunning. What they have engineered for the property and are doing by hand right now is a wonder. The foundation for the property wall is progressing very well, and I know it sounds crazy, but where the property is located in a valley coming out of a mountain great care has been taken to be able to control and handle the flow of water the mountain will produce. A viaduct will run through the middle of the property that will allow proper drainage from top to bottom and side to side. Our engineer is one bright man. It’s always a concern who you can end up working with in third world countries, but one of the graces we have been afforded over time is being surrounded with really great people. I was able to catch a quick glance of the work yesterday and on the final descent into the front of the property Robinson pointed out a boulder 4’ by 4’ in circumference. He said he had two men move it from where they need to put in more foundation to across the road, about 35’. It took the men two days, and they moved it without any equipment. Robinson paid them $400 Haitian dollars to move it. That’s $32 American dollars for two men for two days. Divide 32 in half and they made a whopping $8 dollars apiece per day for two days doing the impossible. The next time you want complain about working too hard for your wages, remember this story. I cannot believe they pulled it off. Seeing it reminded me of something out of ancient literature, except they didn’t have horses, or logs, or even 10 more men. I still marvel at their ingenuity. Given proper tooling, combined with their tremendous work ethic Stateside, they would be hard to compete with. We spent about an hour there today, and it didn’t take long for many children to come out of the mountain side and join our young bunch for games. They grab ahold of your heart quickly. The area is desperate for water, and we have found a couple wells recently hand dug in the neighborhood across the highway that indicate we won’t have to go very deep for our water. With a solar pump installed I calculated today that we could deliver the upwards of 8000 gallons of fresh water a day. It’s going to change the lives of thousands, and they can hardly wait. Our rig and trailers are crossing the ocean coming at us, weather permitting and smooth sailing we should see the ship Friday morning and get access to our trailers. It will take a couple of days to get the rig out of customs, but then we will be able to commence our drilling activity and hopefully have a well up and working in the next few weeks. Beth spoke for another segment of her teaching the Power of the Praying wife series with the married women this afternoon and I followed her with our first men’s meeting which went very well also. We shared on the story of Gideon and God’s selection process for a few good men. It was well received. Tomorrow we head to Desdunes to express condolences to Naromie’s family on the loss of her Grandma who passed away last week. The funeral will be Saturday. This death has caused our trip to change around a bit, but we are making it work. We are having fun with the orphans, and trying to stay cool. Weariness is stealing my thunder for tonight, will send more updates tomorrow. Tidings of joy from St. Marc!

Pallid

Patience is such a great virtue! But I can tell you at moments when the opposite of patience is rewarded so exponentially in our culture, it’s a hard thing for us to get our heads around. I am used to getting what I need, when I need it, with minimal delay. If I should sit too long through a drive through I get frustrated, if I must wait for a web page to load too long I get aggravated, matter of fact, I’ve noticed since the new iOS 11 update that my calls are connected much faster (albeit a few split seconds). We are conditioned for speed. Robinson commented yesterday at breakfast about a young ice delivery boy who had been sent to deliver ice by his boss, he was very demanding that someone come out quickly and get their ice. Apparently they had to wait for Rob to get to the house with the money, and when he did he received the story of the young man in a rush. He told the young man to go back and tell his boss not to send him to the house anymore. To send someone who was not in a rush, because they were not in a rush here. On so many levels I balked at the story. Whatever I need, I need now in a 911. But I am learning that rushing ruins things. We are not a culture who savors things anymore, consumerism breeds pallid taste buds. Buyers remorse fills the market place, and we don’t know the joy of moments. I shouldn’t say ‘we’, I should say ‘me’. I don’t mean to judge. But here in Haiti, all I see is waiting. If patience is a great virtue, this culture gets a gold star. There are a lot of my comfort zones that are violated in Haiti, but this one is my biggest. The feeling of responsibility to perform, to get it done, to accomplish what they say can’t be done is always foreboding and present. Always in my peripheral vision is the undone, unfinished, unfulfilled, it looms as a constant reminder that my goals must always be tempered with the reality that my time is not God’s time. I’m learning the virtue of savoring the moments. This trip is reminding me how time is eroding away at my body. What would happened if I could no longer ‘do’. What if my strength totally waned, what kind of man would I be then? We were reminded in our devotion yesterday that God uses our weaknesses more than our strengths. I think patience erodes at our pride, it is the antidote to ‘me’. Waiting actually increases faith muscles, at least that’s what it feels like to me. I am slowly gaining more strength and resolve through the interminable periods I find myself in a holding pattern, which in Haiti happens many times a day. Today we have a women’s service and a men’s service, along with a host of miscellaneous other little things to get done. We are grateful for the opportunity to serve, and serve we will, bring on another dose of patience please! Blessings from St. Marc.  

Pupil

We made it. Three simple words, carrying volumes of meaning. Sometimes things seem to redundant to write about. But isn’t life a compilation of the mediocre. How will your life be measured out in the end? What will an epitaph say about you? We get summed up in one or two words, a sentence if we’re lucky. And yet our lives are filled with their own unique brilliance. I love reading autobiographies. People who pound their way through the ordinary turns out to be something extraordinary. I don’t feel extraordinary tonight. We were up for 22 hours yesterday. My back aches, my mind wrestles, I’m way out of my comfort zone, and yet part of me feels right at home. Each dark face that I recognize coming to me for validation and recognition begs for fresh hope. And the circumstances around me scream the message “it’s not about you”. Our devotion this morning was about rest and peace, but it took 22 hours to get here. I rested, sweating wet, in a bug tent, with a fan that ended up not pointed in my direction. You catch my drift. But ‘resting’ isn’t always about comfortable then is it? I sometimes wish I was in charge of the classroom of life, I could determine the test days, and the vacation days, the difficulty of the class material, but I’m still just the pupil. Not my classroom, not my school, not even my desk! Yes, it’s the Haiti perspective that I’m bound to. For 10 years now God has deployed me from the principal’s office. I have had many heated exchanges with Him about it, but as you can see, He continues to dictate and I remain the diligent student. Our last two days have been very full, but amazing things have happened. Not the least being American Airlines came through with allowing us our 3 extra bags. We arrived in St. Marc rather late last night, not sure what the reason is for the late flight times into Port this time, but it made for a really late night. Our hardy team performed with diligence and steadfastness to the mission, and we all managed a little sleep. Today was final organization of our goods we brought in and partial distribution of some of the wardrobe for the orphans, the children’s service and a few other first day organizational items. We met with the custom’s folks tonight and everything being equal, we will have our trailers when the shipment arrives Friday here at the port in St. Marc. It will be a miracle in the making, and we have high hopes it will happen. The one caveat is that it’s Haiti, and it’s a big caveat! So pray hard for us. We have had trouble with the digital connections the last two trips, and I am not sure why. But if you’re reading this post, you will know we succeeded today! We are grateful for all the support of our Stateside family that is making this mission possible, and it is making a difference in the lives of many. With the team of help around us right now, I am confident of exponential growth opportunity. Blessings from St. Marc.

1 a.m. (Krystle)

Here I sit at almost 1 in the morning, writing a blog. I have finished my last day of work for the next 2 weeks. I have a fully packed backpack of personal supplies for on the ground in Haiti. Through a large group effort, we have 23 suitcases or 1,150lbs. of goods for the people packed and ready to go. I have everything set. I have done this more than 20 times since I was 13. And yet I sit here, two days before leaving, wondering what the heck I am doing. I have never felt more ill prepared or incapable of doing this in the past 10 years than I do now. I question this often… almost every trip, I think. But it is haunting me leading up to this trip in particular. I know I don’t view myself highly a lot of the time. But in the face of traveling into a third world country that is hopeless in every meaning of the word, what am I doing here? I have a clear calling to Haiti. But why me? I only have a high school education. I clean houses for a living. I don’t have any unique or exceptionally helpful gifting’s. What do I have to offer and make a difference? I am just me. I have been contemplating this, running it through my head and basically overthinking it in every way possible all day. And this is what it comes to. I think I am not enough. I am proclaiming to myself and everyone else around me, that I am not only not good enough, but that I am not enough. What a slap to God’s face. I am not God. So why am I questioning his authority in any way, especially concerning myself? I am doing it because I don’t see my own worth or God’s plan for my life. Instead of looking at the beauty He has created, I am looking at all the ways I think I am failing. All of the expectations others or more often than not, I have placed on myself but am failing to meet. But maybe, just maybe, I am right in the midst of God’s plans and expectations for me. I love Haiti. I have friends and family in that country that some people only dream of having. One of my greatest desires in life is to have children and though I don’t have my own biological kids, I have a plethora of children who as I think of them, bring tears to my eyes. And maybe that is enough. And if that is enough, then I must be enough. I am not going to claim to understand that or feel all better inside, but I can accept it to be as God ordains it. I am sure this post probably feels much too deep and intense. But Haiti is an intense country. Life is an intense journey. And 10 amazing people of all ages and backgrounds are about to embark through a chapter in the journey of this life to give and receive, to minister and be ministered to, to laugh and to cry, to love and be loved. And this blog is actually a reminder to them specifically but ultimately to all who are trying to follow God’s calling… you are enough. God has called, we will go and that is enough. In fact, it is perfect. And I shall rest in that knowledge tonight as I continue to prepare my heart and mind for the days ahead. To those of you who read this, thank you for listening to the ramblings of one girl's heart. Please continue to hold the people of Haiti and our team up in prayer. 

Blessings to all.

Krystle

Package Deal

I awoke to little faces pressed against my bug tent, whispering my name and then dispersing into quiet giggling. Klarissa and Otelson are two of our live wires who never seem to slow down and they were the first to wake this morning, unable to restrain themselves from sneaking out to see us any longer. Our whole morning was an absolute circus, in every sense of the word! It was crazy and busy but hilarious all the same. When everyone was awake, Mom and I made up bowls of dried fruit and assorted granola bars for all of the kids and coffee for all the adults. The kids were into everything. EVERYTHING. What should have taken us 45 minutes tops to get ready took us over 4 hours. Lol! Every time we turned around, there was some national emergency or problem, half of them leaving us laughing hysterically. Finally, Mom thought of the bag of balloons she had brought from the orphanage and passed those out. It gave us a few minutes to run into the bathroom to finish getting ready. We are both standing at the sink brushing our teeth when Dina (age 13) shows up at the door, her face white as a sheet... literally. She had sneaked into my makeup bag and used my foundation all over her face and neck! If you know me, I'm the palest of pale so my makeup was NOT made for little Haitian girls! She was so embarrassed but needed our help because the more she rubbed at it, the worse it got! Then the whole thing turned into a party. We had 11 kids all wanting to partake in the joys of Beth and Krystle's cleanup supplies. They layered on the deodorant, sprayed body spray until we could hardly breathe, rubbed face lotion all over, and finally the girls got makeovers by me because they could barely contain their curiosity over all of it. Klarissa found Mom's coverup and thinking it was lipstick, smeared it all over her lips and came crying for us to fix it. The boys had blush all over, the older girls thought they would brush mascara through their eyebrows, and then we finished the whole event with a final round of deodorant and body spray. They were the nicest smelling children in the whole country of Haiti!

Just as we were getting the children loaded up into the car, Christianne and Naromie asked if we could please do this again this evening. They had huge smiles on their faces and said it was no problem to have all of the children and everyone had so much fun. So, we told them we would! Back to the orphanage we went for part of the day so the kids could do their chores and we could pack up all of the suitcases and American storage room. Mom and Robinson went out to buy hot dogs for the evening since we hadn't been planning on feeding everyone and I played board games with the kids while they were gone. Before we knew it, we were headed back for another fast paced evening at the mission house. We gave the kids bags of goodies we had brought from home for them. Bouncy balls, bubbles, balloons, etc. It kept them busy while we hurriedly packed our bags. The last movie of the trip was started and Mom and I cooked up dinner for everyone. There had been a small misunderstanding in language translation and we had not realized that all of the adults would be leaving for prayer meeting all evening, leaving us alone on our last night with all of the children! Thankfully, Claudy showed up and helped watch the kids while we finished things up.

If Klarissa gave us one kiss this evening, she gave us 50. She walked around declaring in very clear English 'Good Morning! I love you!' and kissing us on the cheek. I got my shower and was trying to make myself presentable for coming home tomorrow but was just feeling terrible about myself. I walk out of the bathroom in my pajamas, hair wrapped up in a towel and Klarissa stopped dead in her tracks with an expression of pure shock. 'Woy!', she said. 'Ou bèl, Krystle!' Or 'You are beautiful, Krystle!' Melt my heart. She was so sincere in her proclamation that it makes me wonder if children see us more clearly as who God made us to be. She doesn't see my mosquito bitten legs, broken out face, frizzy hair or body image issues. She sees my heart and the love and adoration I have for her. She is not constrained by worldly or physical looks and things, she sees true beauty in the world. I pray I learn to see with eyes like hers.

I was so proud of all of kids as we started settling down for bed. There were some tears and protestations that we could go to bed but they were going to lay awake until 3 so they could see us before we left. I can only imagine how hard it is on them each time we appear in their lives only to pack up and leave again. I know life is different when we aren't here. I got down on the girls bed to give out hugs and kisses and snuggles to all of them. Iftha was crying so hard. She asked me if I ever cry after I leave them and I told her I cry all the time because I miss them so badly. In the Haitian culture, children are encouraged not to cry. There is so much to cry over in their lives that I think they would never stop once started and so they just ignore their own pain and try to keep it inside. I'm a rebel and want them to cry if they need to and not feel ashamed. I have done this so many times now and it will never get easier. I remind myself that if it wasn't this painful, it wouldn't be worth it. To love deeply is to feel deeply and anytime you love someone in that way, there is almost always pain involved. It is a packaged deal. And I am more than willing to take it. My ultimate goal is not to just take care of their physical needs but get each and every one of them to Heaven. God is working in the hearts and lives of 12 beautiful children on a small island, in the middle of the ocean, and I am honored to have a front row seat to witness it all. Prayers for our journey home tomorrow. Blessings from St. Marc, Haiti one more time.

Krystle

Leftovers

Lots was accomplished today! We spent part of the morning cleaning the upstairs of the Mission House and getting things ready to have all of the kids come stay with us for a sleepover. I had the most precious talk with Dina and Otelson out on the balcony where I was cooking last night. They have figured out that if they get me on my own and speak slowly, we can talk about pretty much anything. I keep my Creole speaking a secret! Ha! Their plan was to ask if they could come stay the night with Mom and I with all of the kids. They were so excited! So I talked to Mom and Rob and we made it a plan. As wonderful as the Mission House is, 11 children is a lot to fit in so we had to move things around to make it work. The second part of the morning was spent talking and handling different affairs around the orphanage, with our school program, having some things translated to take home and various meetings with people. It all went really well and a lot of things were taken care of.
    Christianne and Naromie are the ultimate hostesses and have provided us with Haitian food several of our days here! It is a treat for sure and allows us more time to spend with the kids. There was more playing with toys and games but everyone was so excited for this evening! The longer the day went on, the more people who decided they would join us tonight. In the end we have Christianne, Jocelyn, Drin, Berline, Kervins, Kimberline, Manius, Robinson, Naromie, 12 children, Mom and I! The kids started scurrying around to pack their things while Mom and I made some dinner for everyone. Shout out to West Side team who’s leftover macaroni and cheese helped make for a special night! When we were ready to go, 14 of us piled inside the Toyota to head out. I love the Haitians style of travel. 7 of us where only 3 were meant to be! At the house, Mom and I had prepared a treasure hunt for all of them by hiding 50 (yes, 50) beads around the upstairs. The kids had to find all of them, and present them to me to earn a written clue about where the treasure was hidden. The clue went something like ‘You will find your treasure someplace that is as cool as Michigan.’, which of course eventually led them to the refrigerator that is not used for refrigeration because of the lack of power. They were delighted with their new activity books and colored pencils. The game was followed up with a special experiment… snow in a can! They were ecstatic as they passed around handfuls of the white stuff that looks like snow. But the resemblance ends there! It was good enough for them though! We ended with a movie played out on the balcony. I have felt myself feeling a bit frustrated at times throughout the day where I am normally not frustrated. It took me until writing this blog to realize how much I am struggling with the idea of leaving. After the movie, we were setting up the kids beds and trying to encourage them to wind down. I was sitting on the only couch which is actually a love seat with 7 of the kids. They were asking me about when I was leaving, when I was coming back and who might be coming with me. Talking about what they might need or want in the fall time. No matter how many times I tried to explain, they can’t understand why I can’t wait to go home until Thursday. It’s not their job to understand though. They're just trying to figure out how to deal. One more loss in what must feel like a lifetime of losing. I’m not sure I’ve figured out how to deal with it either. I only know I can trust God with the in-between time and the end results for each of us, whatever that may look like. My heart is at an odd place of of aching joy. So full that it hurts. It is well after midnight and the house is quiet but the country is still alive with the sounds of what can only be Haiti. There are precious little ones spread over every inch of the floor, sleeping peacefully. I am not sure I will be afforded such rest tonight but I am off to give it a try! If you think about it, keep us in your prayers as we head full force into our final day here on the ground. Blessings from St. Marc!

Krystle