Here I sit at almost 1 in the morning, writing a blog. I have finished my last day of work for the next 2 weeks. I have a fully packed backpack of personal supplies for on the ground in Haiti. Through a large group effort, we have 23 suitcases or 1,150lbs. of goods for the people packed and ready to go. I have everything set. I have done this more than 20 times since I was 13. And yet I sit here, two days before leaving, wondering what the heck I am doing. I have never felt more ill prepared or incapable of doing this in the past 10 years than I do now. I question this often… almost every trip, I think. But it is haunting me leading up to this trip in particular. I know I don’t view myself highly a lot of the time. But in the face of traveling into a third world country that is hopeless in every meaning of the word, what am I doing here? I have a clear calling to Haiti. But why me? I only have a high school education. I clean houses for a living. I don’t have any unique or exceptionally helpful gifting’s. What do I have to offer and make a difference? I am just me. I have been contemplating this, running it through my head and basically overthinking it in every way possible all day. And this is what it comes to. I think I am not enough. I am proclaiming to myself and everyone else around me, that I am not only not good enough, but that I am not enough. What a slap to God’s face. I am not God. So why am I questioning his authority in any way, especially concerning myself? I am doing it because I don’t see my own worth or God’s plan for my life. Instead of looking at the beauty He has created, I am looking at all the ways I think I am failing. All of the expectations others or more often than not, I have placed on myself but am failing to meet. But maybe, just maybe, I am right in the midst of God’s plans and expectations for me. I love Haiti. I have friends and family in that country that some people only dream of having. One of my greatest desires in life is to have children and though I don’t have my own biological kids, I have a plethora of children who as I think of them, bring tears to my eyes. And maybe that is enough. And if that is enough, then I must be enough. I am not going to claim to understand that or feel all better inside, but I can accept it to be as God ordains it. I am sure this post probably feels much too deep and intense. But Haiti is an intense country. Life is an intense journey. And 10 amazing people of all ages and backgrounds are about to embark through a chapter in the journey of this life to give and receive, to minister and be ministered to, to laugh and to cry, to love and be loved. And this blog is actually a reminder to them specifically but ultimately to all who are trying to follow God’s calling… you are enough. God has called, we will go and that is enough. In fact, it is perfect. And I shall rest in that knowledge tonight as I continue to prepare my heart and mind for the days ahead. To those of you who read this, thank you for listening to the ramblings of one girl's heart. Please continue to hold the people of Haiti and our team up in prayer.
Blessings to all.