Resistant

Every time I come to Haiti it’s inevitable that folks ask if it’s better now? Having been coming here for 10 years, it’s a fair question. But it’s also such a loaded question to try to answer. Some aspects of things here have improved remarkably. Modes of transportation, specifically motorcycle taxi’s have increased at a rate I cannot even measure. Which means the general economy is up some as many are using the taxi’s. There seems to be more building going on which would also indicate some improvement. As I went over details at the property today our engineer expressed to me that he was building everything earthquake resistant. That caught my attention. The devastation of 2010 did apparently create some new sticking points for some. We stood by a church building not too far away from our church property and I asked the engineer what he thought of it, he said there were cracks in it from the earthquake, and nobody was taking care of it, and he didn’t think the building would be good for very much longer. I hadn’t even noticed the cracking. I didn’t think anything in St. Marc had suffered much damage, but apparently to the trained eye, it’s worse than previously thought. Enough so that he is taking measures to build even our fence walls in a way that will withstand those tremors. I was grateful to find this out. He is a really sharp man as I expressed in my blog yesterday. So, there are changes for the good. But as we drove to Desdunes today to deliver Rob’s family for a funeral Saturday, I was remiss to see that things elsewhere have actually depreciated. A positive is that they are getting good water supplies to the rice fields from the government. But passing down the dusty streets of Desdunes we navigated around so many piles of trash. The straw and mud homes are telling the testing of time and are not holding up. One we passed reminded me of the ‘Leaning Tower of Peza’. I’m not sure that a hefty wind and rain storm won’t finish it off. There were so many building projects unfinished with trees 5’ and 6’ tall growing up in the foundations. So many crushed dreams and vanquished hope’s. A few is one thing, to see so many lining the streets is heart rending. But we passed out candy to the children, we started with two, and told them to go get their friends, they came in droves, and they didn’t come in costumes, quite the opposite, they came with not much on at all. One naked boy approached and I went toward him with a bag of candy and coloring page, before I could get to him he turned and ran in terror. I felt bad because so many try to come back for second’s concealing in what sparse clothing they do have on what they already have received in their little gift pack, this little naked one couldn’t hide a thing, and went away with nothing. As we drove to another location in town we came through an intersection and coming down the street from my left was a crowd of children in a storm of dust from their pounding feet trying to keep up with us. As we pulled to a stop they came bounding up to us with expectant faces. I like to believe we sowed fresh hope into 250 children tonight. I’ve read what one pin drop of hope can do, and what it can grow into, I like to think we seeded at least a pin drop of unexpected hope into these children today. There are innumerable broken things in this country, and perhaps some things will never be fixed. Even as we drove to Desdunes today the driver finished his bottled drink, rolled down the window and pitched it out… but then again, I’ve seen that happen in the States, if it weren’t for bottle deposits, it would likely be worse. Humanity is kind of the same everywhere, just some places have better checks and balances. Of this I am confident, with each hug, with each touch, with each word of affirmation, change is coming. As we educate, love unconditionally, and give the hope of God to all, change hinges on these things. No amount of money can heal a broken heart. I believe only the loving heart can bring healing to the broken heart. The love of Christ constrains me to these people, as it does our wonderful team. Our newest recruit Pat is doing well, every time I ask how she is doing her answer is ‘I’m good’. Tomorrow will be halfway through our journey here; the time is passing faster here every trip I take now. At year ten, my veteran instincts must be taking over and time’s train seems to increase speed between stops. Goodnight to all and blessings from St. Marc.

Recognized

This was written 3 days ago: 

I don't usually write blogs on a trip that both my father and I go on. Honestly, I just feel inadequate in my writing skills compared to him. I have felt a need to write though, and it seems to be overtaking my silly fears. Traveling yesterday couldn't have gone smoother as far as airports and international travels go. It has to be in my top 5 for easiest trips into country which is something I am extremely grateful for. For reasons that make no sense, I have been struggling getting ready for this trip. And easy travel only gave my brain more time to lead me down twisted pathways and shadowed trails in my thoughts. I referred to some of these things in my previous blog. It is difficult to put into words the things running through my head. Basically, I spent 22 travel hours stressing about arriving to my destination. Mostly stressing about my place on this trip, my place with this team, my place with these people whom I love so dearly. A lot has changed in the past year for me, and I feel different. Not in a bad way necessarily, just different. And within that, I feel like I may not be what everyone needs or wants. And that scares me. Why? Because what we want most in life as human beings is to be loved. To be recognized and applauded for being uniquely us while simultaneously being accepted into a group. Whether that group is a random team of people headed to a foreign country, a group of friends, a church, an orphanage of children, or even your own family; that has been a longing of my heart for a long time. I've gotten pretty good at fitting into molds shaped by other people. Lately, however, that is something I've been trying to avoid doing. Because I am wasting my time trying to fit into the molds people are making for me instead of the one God has placed before me. The one with my name on it. The one that my heart and dreams and hopes fit into. I think that this specific thing is often what leaves one feeling lonely even when surrounded by people. How can you feel loved and understood when you're constantly trying to be someone else? Of course, you have to take the steps towards being okay to be exactly what God has made you to be. And there in lies my problem. After 3 planes, 4 airports, one very long and dusty bus ride, very little sleep and many other adventures along the way, our very large school bus pulled up to a little house, shrouded in darkness. Emma and I hopped off the bus, avoiding the sewer that runs in front of the orphanage. There was no sound as we swung the large, metal gate open and made our way across the courtyard. And then there was an eruption of giggles from inside the door to the house and I was rushed to by 11 of the most amazing kids I have ever known. Hugs, kisses, kids calling my name telling me how much they love me, how happy they are to see me, how badly they have missed me. That was all it took for me. Their love is so pure and innocent. It exudes from their very beings and shines through their bright, little eyes. How can I not know that the love and adoration they feel for me is real? I don't see these things in myself, but they most certainly do. And unbeknownst to them, they wiped out any fear I may have had to be on this trip in less than a minute. For a moment, I understood and felt very clearly what they see in me. And I realized, all the things we often hate about ourselves, are the very things that people 

love most about us. This doesn't mean we should ever quit trying to better ourselves. But maybe we should quit trying to be something God didn't create us to be. Haiti has a way of stripping away the barriers we put up, the facades we put on, the many costumes we don. It may feel uncomfortable at first but it is something I am looking forward to this week. God has a plan for each person who is here this week, a specific reason we are here and serving as best we can. I am up for the challenge that He has placed before me. I am grateful to have been called. Go forth into the next 9 days, I will. Thank you to all of those back home for your prayers and support. Much love to all from my little balcony that happens to be my home away from home!

Krystle 

Engineer

The maze of another day has come to a close. We started out our day with a visit to the new property, and it is amazing! Robinson has been sending me a few pictures of the progress, and while they say a picture is worth a thousand words, being here and seeing it first hand is just stunning. What they have engineered for the property and are doing by hand right now is a wonder. The foundation for the property wall is progressing very well, and I know it sounds crazy, but where the property is located in a valley coming out of a mountain great care has been taken to be able to control and handle the flow of water the mountain will produce. A viaduct will run through the middle of the property that will allow proper drainage from top to bottom and side to side. Our engineer is one bright man. It’s always a concern who you can end up working with in third world countries, but one of the graces we have been afforded over time is being surrounded with really great people. I was able to catch a quick glance of the work yesterday and on the final descent into the front of the property Robinson pointed out a boulder 4’ by 4’ in circumference. He said he had two men move it from where they need to put in more foundation to across the road, about 35’. It took the men two days, and they moved it without any equipment. Robinson paid them $400 Haitian dollars to move it. That’s $32 American dollars for two men for two days. Divide 32 in half and they made a whopping $8 dollars apiece per day for two days doing the impossible. The next time you want complain about working too hard for your wages, remember this story. I cannot believe they pulled it off. Seeing it reminded me of something out of ancient literature, except they didn’t have horses, or logs, or even 10 more men. I still marvel at their ingenuity. Given proper tooling, combined with their tremendous work ethic Stateside, they would be hard to compete with. We spent about an hour there today, and it didn’t take long for many children to come out of the mountain side and join our young bunch for games. They grab ahold of your heart quickly. The area is desperate for water, and we have found a couple wells recently hand dug in the neighborhood across the highway that indicate we won’t have to go very deep for our water. With a solar pump installed I calculated today that we could deliver the upwards of 8000 gallons of fresh water a day. It’s going to change the lives of thousands, and they can hardly wait. Our rig and trailers are crossing the ocean coming at us, weather permitting and smooth sailing we should see the ship Friday morning and get access to our trailers. It will take a couple of days to get the rig out of customs, but then we will be able to commence our drilling activity and hopefully have a well up and working in the next few weeks. Beth spoke for another segment of her teaching the Power of the Praying wife series with the married women this afternoon and I followed her with our first men’s meeting which went very well also. We shared on the story of Gideon and God’s selection process for a few good men. It was well received. Tomorrow we head to Desdunes to express condolences to Naromie’s family on the loss of her Grandma who passed away last week. The funeral will be Saturday. This death has caused our trip to change around a bit, but we are making it work. We are having fun with the orphans, and trying to stay cool. Weariness is stealing my thunder for tonight, will send more updates tomorrow. Tidings of joy from St. Marc!

Pallid

Patience is such a great virtue! But I can tell you at moments when the opposite of patience is rewarded so exponentially in our culture, it’s a hard thing for us to get our heads around. I am used to getting what I need, when I need it, with minimal delay. If I should sit too long through a drive through I get frustrated, if I must wait for a web page to load too long I get aggravated, matter of fact, I’ve noticed since the new iOS 11 update that my calls are connected much faster (albeit a few split seconds). We are conditioned for speed. Robinson commented yesterday at breakfast about a young ice delivery boy who had been sent to deliver ice by his boss, he was very demanding that someone come out quickly and get their ice. Apparently they had to wait for Rob to get to the house with the money, and when he did he received the story of the young man in a rush. He told the young man to go back and tell his boss not to send him to the house anymore. To send someone who was not in a rush, because they were not in a rush here. On so many levels I balked at the story. Whatever I need, I need now in a 911. But I am learning that rushing ruins things. We are not a culture who savors things anymore, consumerism breeds pallid taste buds. Buyers remorse fills the market place, and we don’t know the joy of moments. I shouldn’t say ‘we’, I should say ‘me’. I don’t mean to judge. But here in Haiti, all I see is waiting. If patience is a great virtue, this culture gets a gold star. There are a lot of my comfort zones that are violated in Haiti, but this one is my biggest. The feeling of responsibility to perform, to get it done, to accomplish what they say can’t be done is always foreboding and present. Always in my peripheral vision is the undone, unfinished, unfulfilled, it looms as a constant reminder that my goals must always be tempered with the reality that my time is not God’s time. I’m learning the virtue of savoring the moments. This trip is reminding me how time is eroding away at my body. What would happened if I could no longer ‘do’. What if my strength totally waned, what kind of man would I be then? We were reminded in our devotion yesterday that God uses our weaknesses more than our strengths. I think patience erodes at our pride, it is the antidote to ‘me’. Waiting actually increases faith muscles, at least that’s what it feels like to me. I am slowly gaining more strength and resolve through the interminable periods I find myself in a holding pattern, which in Haiti happens many times a day. Today we have a women’s service and a men’s service, along with a host of miscellaneous other little things to get done. We are grateful for the opportunity to serve, and serve we will, bring on another dose of patience please! Blessings from St. Marc.  

Pupil

We made it. Three simple words, carrying volumes of meaning. Sometimes things seem to redundant to write about. But isn’t life a compilation of the mediocre. How will your life be measured out in the end? What will an epitaph say about you? We get summed up in one or two words, a sentence if we’re lucky. And yet our lives are filled with their own unique brilliance. I love reading autobiographies. People who pound their way through the ordinary turns out to be something extraordinary. I don’t feel extraordinary tonight. We were up for 22 hours yesterday. My back aches, my mind wrestles, I’m way out of my comfort zone, and yet part of me feels right at home. Each dark face that I recognize coming to me for validation and recognition begs for fresh hope. And the circumstances around me scream the message “it’s not about you”. Our devotion this morning was about rest and peace, but it took 22 hours to get here. I rested, sweating wet, in a bug tent, with a fan that ended up not pointed in my direction. You catch my drift. But ‘resting’ isn’t always about comfortable then is it? I sometimes wish I was in charge of the classroom of life, I could determine the test days, and the vacation days, the difficulty of the class material, but I’m still just the pupil. Not my classroom, not my school, not even my desk! Yes, it’s the Haiti perspective that I’m bound to. For 10 years now God has deployed me from the principal’s office. I have had many heated exchanges with Him about it, but as you can see, He continues to dictate and I remain the diligent student. Our last two days have been very full, but amazing things have happened. Not the least being American Airlines came through with allowing us our 3 extra bags. We arrived in St. Marc rather late last night, not sure what the reason is for the late flight times into Port this time, but it made for a really late night. Our hardy team performed with diligence and steadfastness to the mission, and we all managed a little sleep. Today was final organization of our goods we brought in and partial distribution of some of the wardrobe for the orphans, the children’s service and a few other first day organizational items. We met with the custom’s folks tonight and everything being equal, we will have our trailers when the shipment arrives Friday here at the port in St. Marc. It will be a miracle in the making, and we have high hopes it will happen. The one caveat is that it’s Haiti, and it’s a big caveat! So pray hard for us. We have had trouble with the digital connections the last two trips, and I am not sure why. But if you’re reading this post, you will know we succeeded today! We are grateful for all the support of our Stateside family that is making this mission possible, and it is making a difference in the lives of many. With the team of help around us right now, I am confident of exponential growth opportunity. Blessings from St. Marc.

1 a.m. (Krystle)

Here I sit at almost 1 in the morning, writing a blog. I have finished my last day of work for the next 2 weeks. I have a fully packed backpack of personal supplies for on the ground in Haiti. Through a large group effort, we have 23 suitcases or 1,150lbs. of goods for the people packed and ready to go. I have everything set. I have done this more than 20 times since I was 13. And yet I sit here, two days before leaving, wondering what the heck I am doing. I have never felt more ill prepared or incapable of doing this in the past 10 years than I do now. I question this often… almost every trip, I think. But it is haunting me leading up to this trip in particular. I know I don’t view myself highly a lot of the time. But in the face of traveling into a third world country that is hopeless in every meaning of the word, what am I doing here? I have a clear calling to Haiti. But why me? I only have a high school education. I clean houses for a living. I don’t have any unique or exceptionally helpful gifting’s. What do I have to offer and make a difference? I am just me. I have been contemplating this, running it through my head and basically overthinking it in every way possible all day. And this is what it comes to. I think I am not enough. I am proclaiming to myself and everyone else around me, that I am not only not good enough, but that I am not enough. What a slap to God’s face. I am not God. So why am I questioning his authority in any way, especially concerning myself? I am doing it because I don’t see my own worth or God’s plan for my life. Instead of looking at the beauty He has created, I am looking at all the ways I think I am failing. All of the expectations others or more often than not, I have placed on myself but am failing to meet. But maybe, just maybe, I am right in the midst of God’s plans and expectations for me. I love Haiti. I have friends and family in that country that some people only dream of having. One of my greatest desires in life is to have children and though I don’t have my own biological kids, I have a plethora of children who as I think of them, bring tears to my eyes. And maybe that is enough. And if that is enough, then I must be enough. I am not going to claim to understand that or feel all better inside, but I can accept it to be as God ordains it. I am sure this post probably feels much too deep and intense. But Haiti is an intense country. Life is an intense journey. And 10 amazing people of all ages and backgrounds are about to embark through a chapter in the journey of this life to give and receive, to minister and be ministered to, to laugh and to cry, to love and be loved. And this blog is actually a reminder to them specifically but ultimately to all who are trying to follow God’s calling… you are enough. God has called, we will go and that is enough. In fact, it is perfect. And I shall rest in that knowledge tonight as I continue to prepare my heart and mind for the days ahead. To those of you who read this, thank you for listening to the ramblings of one girl's heart. Please continue to hold the people of Haiti and our team up in prayer. 

Blessings to all.

Krystle

Package Deal

I awoke to little faces pressed against my bug tent, whispering my name and then dispersing into quiet giggling. Klarissa and Otelson are two of our live wires who never seem to slow down and they were the first to wake this morning, unable to restrain themselves from sneaking out to see us any longer. Our whole morning was an absolute circus, in every sense of the word! It was crazy and busy but hilarious all the same. When everyone was awake, Mom and I made up bowls of dried fruit and assorted granola bars for all of the kids and coffee for all the adults. The kids were into everything. EVERYTHING. What should have taken us 45 minutes tops to get ready took us over 4 hours. Lol! Every time we turned around, there was some national emergency or problem, half of them leaving us laughing hysterically. Finally, Mom thought of the bag of balloons she had brought from the orphanage and passed those out. It gave us a few minutes to run into the bathroom to finish getting ready. We are both standing at the sink brushing our teeth when Dina (age 13) shows up at the door, her face white as a sheet... literally. She had sneaked into my makeup bag and used my foundation all over her face and neck! If you know me, I'm the palest of pale so my makeup was NOT made for little Haitian girls! She was so embarrassed but needed our help because the more she rubbed at it, the worse it got! Then the whole thing turned into a party. We had 11 kids all wanting to partake in the joys of Beth and Krystle's cleanup supplies. They layered on the deodorant, sprayed body spray until we could hardly breathe, rubbed face lotion all over, and finally the girls got makeovers by me because they could barely contain their curiosity over all of it. Klarissa found Mom's coverup and thinking it was lipstick, smeared it all over her lips and came crying for us to fix it. The boys had blush all over, the older girls thought they would brush mascara through their eyebrows, and then we finished the whole event with a final round of deodorant and body spray. They were the nicest smelling children in the whole country of Haiti!

Just as we were getting the children loaded up into the car, Christianne and Naromie asked if we could please do this again this evening. They had huge smiles on their faces and said it was no problem to have all of the children and everyone had so much fun. So, we told them we would! Back to the orphanage we went for part of the day so the kids could do their chores and we could pack up all of the suitcases and American storage room. Mom and Robinson went out to buy hot dogs for the evening since we hadn't been planning on feeding everyone and I played board games with the kids while they were gone. Before we knew it, we were headed back for another fast paced evening at the mission house. We gave the kids bags of goodies we had brought from home for them. Bouncy balls, bubbles, balloons, etc. It kept them busy while we hurriedly packed our bags. The last movie of the trip was started and Mom and I cooked up dinner for everyone. There had been a small misunderstanding in language translation and we had not realized that all of the adults would be leaving for prayer meeting all evening, leaving us alone on our last night with all of the children! Thankfully, Claudy showed up and helped watch the kids while we finished things up.

If Klarissa gave us one kiss this evening, she gave us 50. She walked around declaring in very clear English 'Good Morning! I love you!' and kissing us on the cheek. I got my shower and was trying to make myself presentable for coming home tomorrow but was just feeling terrible about myself. I walk out of the bathroom in my pajamas, hair wrapped up in a towel and Klarissa stopped dead in her tracks with an expression of pure shock. 'Woy!', she said. 'Ou bèl, Krystle!' Or 'You are beautiful, Krystle!' Melt my heart. She was so sincere in her proclamation that it makes me wonder if children see us more clearly as who God made us to be. She doesn't see my mosquito bitten legs, broken out face, frizzy hair or body image issues. She sees my heart and the love and adoration I have for her. She is not constrained by worldly or physical looks and things, she sees true beauty in the world. I pray I learn to see with eyes like hers.

I was so proud of all of kids as we started settling down for bed. There were some tears and protestations that we could go to bed but they were going to lay awake until 3 so they could see us before we left. I can only imagine how hard it is on them each time we appear in their lives only to pack up and leave again. I know life is different when we aren't here. I got down on the girls bed to give out hugs and kisses and snuggles to all of them. Iftha was crying so hard. She asked me if I ever cry after I leave them and I told her I cry all the time because I miss them so badly. In the Haitian culture, children are encouraged not to cry. There is so much to cry over in their lives that I think they would never stop once started and so they just ignore their own pain and try to keep it inside. I'm a rebel and want them to cry if they need to and not feel ashamed. I have done this so many times now and it will never get easier. I remind myself that if it wasn't this painful, it wouldn't be worth it. To love deeply is to feel deeply and anytime you love someone in that way, there is almost always pain involved. It is a packaged deal. And I am more than willing to take it. My ultimate goal is not to just take care of their physical needs but get each and every one of them to Heaven. God is working in the hearts and lives of 12 beautiful children on a small island, in the middle of the ocean, and I am honored to have a front row seat to witness it all. Prayers for our journey home tomorrow. Blessings from St. Marc, Haiti one more time.

Krystle